3 Keys To a Successful Relationship.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Success in your relationships ( romantic or non-romantic) allows you to live a fulfilled life. Almost all the stories I hear of people on their death bed, they call people to be around them, they need a relationship that allows them to go through the last moments of their lives. They do not ask for their law degree, neither do they ask for their possessions. Well, that pretty much explains how relationships are crucial in our lives. It’s important for us to master the art of handling and winning in our relationships. Before we go any further, I would like to highlight to you that having successful relationships takes work. There is no such thing as 50/50 in a relationship. Such mentality will cause your relationship to fail because you are constantly trying to compare efforts, 50/50 relationships are centered on conditional love. You did this, so I will do this. Implementing 100/0 in your lifestyle will boost your relationships because what we do depends on OUR effort. We are accountable for developing a positive relationship. Instead of complaining about someone not doing something, take the initiative to do it because you want your relationship with them to be strong. Giving a 100/0 does not mean staying in a dysfunctional relationship or allowing the other person to dominate you. The idea of 100/0 is centered on unconditional love. I know this can be pretty difficult to accept.

Here are some of the things I believe you need to enjoy your romantic relationships

1. Communication

I think this is the foundation of any relationship. Learning how to communicate with your partner can save you a whole lot of trouble in the future. Communication includes laying down your expectations and making it clear what you may/may not deliver or need help working on. Having unspoken expectations can result in resentment if you feel they are not being met. But guess what, you did not tell your partner so they do not know. Unspoken expectations not met, may cause you to believe the other person does not love you when in fact it’s far from the truth. Normalize having difficult conversations because our relationships grow from the uncomfortable conversations. Communication includes discussing how you would handle conflict prior to the conflict. This would help you deal with conflict in a much productive way. Knowing it’s the two of you against the problem, not you fighting one another is crucial during conflict resolution. It’s equally important to learn one another’s communication style. One person might not be able to express themselves with words, they need time to write down what they feel and then discuss after they have compiled exactly how they feel about the situation.  Make effective communication a foundation of your relationship.

2. Vision and Purpose 

Most relationships/ marriages actually end because of a lack of vision for that relationships. This might sound cheesy but it’s crucial for the success of any relationship. Where are we going? What is the end game of the relationship? Vision is laying down together ‘ What is it supposed to look like for us? Take note of for us, all relationships or marriages will not be the same. But what works for you? What is the purpose of this relationship? Answering this question will save us from going through unnecessary heartbreak and thereafter resent love. I do not believe in “let’s just see where it takes us” which is the first step to failure because there is no purpose.

3. Vulnerability. 

Vulnerability is scary. Brene Brown describes vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. And this is something that society may deem as a weakness. We find people giving us such advice ” If you say that, it will show that you are weak”. It’s difficult to have the courage to be vulnerable in a world where everyone wants to appear strong, confident, and like they know what they are doing. One of the reasons why people are afraid to show vulnerability is fear of loss of love. We are so used to conditional love that we are afraid of showing the parts we feel are unacceptable. Vulnerability makes you authentic and allows you to feel love, belonging, and joy. It’s the courage of being open despite knowing it might hurt us. And once we are able to do that, we will also be able to fully experience all the joyful moments of our relationships. The 50/50 rule will not allow us to show vulnerability. Loving someone knowing they might betray us, or that things might not work out… That takes courage. And that’s vulnerability: opening our hearts and soul despite the risks.

If you are planning to spend the rest of your life with your partner, showing vulnerability will allow you to grow together.

Bonus Tips

• Commitment – everything needs the commitment to get a maximum return
• Friendship
• Reflection – Taking time to reflect on your relationship together will allow you to see what is working and what is not, what you need more of or less of.
• Trust – Trust is like a bank account, you cannot withdraw where you did not deposit. Trust is built and it makes it easy to show vulnerability to someone you trust.

We are all going to mess up somehow in our relationships. Learning your partner’s apology language will help you grow your relationships. You might think you have apologized but your partner does not feel the same. Here are 5 Lauguesges of Apology from Doctor Gary Chapman the author of The 5 Love Languages.

1. Expressing Regret – Never use the word ” Am sorry” alone. Say what you are sorry for and don’t add but! eg. Honey I a sorry for losing my temper
2. Accepting Responsibility – admitting you were wrong with no excuse
3. Offering to make restitution – Taking Action, am not just sorry but I am going to try and fix it.
4. Genuinely Repenting– Expressing the desire to change the behaviour. to turn away from that behavior
5. Actually asking for forgiveness. – Some people want to hear the words. Will  you please  forgive me

Love requires you to put in work, it’s not just a mere feeling!

tanyafungai