Boundaries and Personal Growth

Today’s post is special to me because this is an area I have struggled with and I am still working on it. Yes, I do write about the areas I am working on to, Personal Development is a process and I am still work in progress. Growing up I struggled a lot with acceptance this resulted in me trying to do everything that is in my power earn the next person’s approval. The fear of rejection is a major cause of living a life without boundaries. We are not usually taught how to have boundaries growing up because in our culture (African) saying no or expressing why you cannot do a certain thing might seem as if you are being disrespectful. In fact, NO is an abomination. With that kind of mentality, most kids find it difficult to say no even to their friends or bullies. Children who were taught to have boundaries have a higher chance to stand up to bullies than those who are taught compliance.

Establishing healthy boundaries is important to our personal growth journey. Maximum productivity is a result of healthy boundaries. One should always have a limit to what they can/ cannot do for the next person. Guarding one’s resources is essential for success. Time is a resource that can easily be given away simply because of a lack of boundaries. For instance, in trying to please your boss by working overtime and weekends you are trading rather than losing time with your family and friends. Another resource that individuals tend to distribute unwillingly due to lack of boundaries is our emotional energy. We let people dump their emotional baggage on us in the name of ‘ I am being nice to her, if I don’t I am a bad person’. Listen it’s not wrong to allow people to vent to you, it becomes an emotional baggage to you when it becomes constant and weighing you down.

Areas that one can establish boundaries

• Boundaries with your friends – friendship should be based on attachment not need, when you see yourself constantly giving its wise to reevaluate your friendship.
• Boundaries with your family
• Boundaries with your spouse
• Boundaries with your church
• Boundaries at work
• Boundaries with yourself – most important

In this blog post, I will put a magnifying glass on boundaries in your relationships in general. Saying no is as difficult as hearing no. Having challenges with a NO can be clear sign you are lacking boundaries in your relationships. It’s important to remember that we should take 100% responsibility for our lives, not the next person’s life. This allows us to create good boundaries. We can’t really love unless we have boundaries otherwise we love out of compliance and guilt, now that is not a way to build sustainable relationships. When you do something out of guilt or compliance, you will eventually reach a breaking point, I believe that is why people who try to break an addiction or change character for the next person find themselves back to where they started.

Boundaries are defined as something that indicates or fixes a limit or extend according to Merriam Webster. I love the psychology definition of personal boundaries ‘they are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable safe ways and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those lines’. Your boundaries will determine the load of responsibilities you allow in your life. I have learned not to let my mouth overload my back and not to make commitments because I want to please the next person. One way to make sure your relationships have boundaries is to share them with the next person.

John Townsend and Henry Cloud in their book ‘Boundaries when to say how to say no’ lists some False motives that stop us from setting boundaries;

• Fear of loss of love and abandonment
• Fear of other’s anger
• Fear of loneliness
• Fear of losing the good side in you
• Guilt
• Approval
• Payback

After mastering the process of establishing your boundaries you have to learn to respect other people’s boundaries as well. You cannot expect the world to operate on your terms. Hearing a No does not mean the next person does not love you. When you find it hard to respect other people’s boundaries it’s important to take time to look into yourself you may have some insecurities that you have to work on. Permit people to live a balanced life.

I hope this article will cause you to analyze your relationships and create some boundaries.

tanyafungai