Live An Effective Life – Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Part 2

This is part two of the book summary 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. If you haven’t read the first part of the book summary, check it out here https://tanyafungai.com/live-an-effective-life-stephen-coveys-7-habits-of-highly-effective-people-part-1/

Chapters 4 5 & 6  Public victory

The following chapters are based on interdependence. Effective interdependence can only be built on a foundation of true independence. True independence helps one avoid the co-dependence trap, you are your own person before you connect with the next person. Nobody can fulfill you, realizing that is the basis of true independence which leads to effective interdependence. Self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others. Unless we are willing to achieve real independence, it’s foolish to try to develop human-relations skills. We might try. We might even have some degree of success when the sun is shining. But when the difficult times come — and they will — we won’t have the foundation to keep things together. The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are. And if our words and our actions come from superficial human-relations techniques (the personality ethic) rather than from our own inner core (the character ethic), others will sense that duplicity. We simply won’t be able to create and sustain the foundation necessary for effective interdependence

The Emotional Bank Account

Am sure many of us are familiar with a financial bank account. Steve Covey uses the same principle to explain what he calls an emotional bank account.

If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you’ll get my meaning anyway. You won’t make me “an offender for a word.” When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective. But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing a little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low. We have to first deposit before we make withdrawals.

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Principles of Empathic Communication

We typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak.  Empathic (from empathy) listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel. Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is a form of agreement, a form of judgment. And it is sometimes the more appropriate emotion and response. But people often feed on sympathy. It makes them dependent. The essence of empathic listening is not that you agree with someone; it’s that you fully, deeply, understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually.

Covey points out, that communication experts estimate:

• 10% of our communication is represented by our words
• 30% is represented by our sounds
• 60% is represented by our body language

When we listen autobiographically — in other words, with our own perspective as our frame of reference — we tend to respond in one of four ways:

1. Evaluate: Agree or disagree with what is said

2. Probe: Ask questions from our own frame of reference

3. Advise: Give counsel based on our own experience

4. Interpret: Try to figure out the person’s motives and behavior based on our own motives and behavior

Application of Habit 5

1. Select a relationship in which you sense the Emotional Bank Account is in the red. Try to understand and write down the situation from the other person’s point of view. In your next interaction, listen for understanding, comparing what you are hearing with what you wrote down. How valid were your assumptions? Did you really understand that individual’s perspective?
2. Share the concept of empathy with someone close to you. Tell him or her you want to work on really listening to others and ask for feedback in a week. How did you do? How did it make that person feel?
3. Next time you catch yourself inappropriately using one of the autobiographical responses — probing, evaluating, advising, or interpreting — try to turn the situation into a deposit by acknowledgment and apology. (“I’m sorry, I just realized I’m not really trying to understand. Could we start again?”)

Habit 4 Think win-win

The six Paradigms of human interaction

Covey explains that there are six paradigms of human interaction:

1. Win-Win: Both people win. Agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial and satisfying to both parties.

2. Win-Lose: “If I win, you lose.” Win-Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, and personality to get their way.

3. Lose-Win: “I lose, you win.” Lose-Win people are quick to please and appease, and seek strength from popularity or acceptance.

4. Lose-Lose: Both people lose. When two Win-Lose people get together — that is, when two, determined, stubborn, ego-invested individuals interact — the result will be Lose-Lose.

5. Win: People with the Win mentality don’t necessarily want someone else to lose — that’s irrelevant. What matters is that they get what they want.

6. Win-Win or No Deal: If you can’t reach an agreement that is mutually beneficial, there is no deal.

Character is the foundation of win-win, and everything else builds on that foundation. There are three character traits essential to the win-win paradigm

INTEGRITY. It is the base of a win-win mindset

MATURITY. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. If a person can express his feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person, he is mature, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties.

ABUNDANCE MENTALITY. The third character trait essential to win-win is the Abundance Mentality, the paradigm that there is plenty out there for everybody. Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. People with a Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power, or profit — even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the successes of other people — even, and sometimes especially, members of their own family or close friends and associates. It’s almost as if something is being taken from them when someone else receives special recognition or windfall gain or has remarkable success or achievement

The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, recognition, profits, and decision-making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity. The Abundance Mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment of Habits 1, 2, and 3 and turns it outward, appreciating the uniqueness, the inner direction, and the proactive nature of others. It recognizes the unlimited possibilities for positive interactive growth and development, creating new Third Alternatives. Public Victory does not mean victory over other people. It means success in effective interaction that brings mutually beneficial results to everyone involved. Public Victory means working together, communicating together, and making things happen together that even the same people couldn’t make happen by working independently. And Public Victory is an outgrowth of the Abundance Mentality paradigm. A character rich in integrity, maturity, and the Abundance Mentality has a genuineness that goes far beyond technique, or lack of it, in human interaction.

Get yourself to start thinking Win-Win with these challenges:

1. Think about an upcoming interaction where you’ll be attempting to reach an agreement or solution. Write down a list of what the other person is looking for. Next, write a list next to that of how you can make an offer to meet those needs.

2. Identify three important relationships in your life. Think about what you feel the balance is in each of those relationships. Do you give more than you take? Take more than you give? Write down 10 ways to always give more than you take with each one.

3. Deeply consider your own interaction tendencies. Are they Win-Lose? How does that affect your interactions with others? Can you identify the source of that approach? Determine whether or not this approach serves you well in your relationships. Write all of this down.

Habit 6: Synergize

Synergize meaning – the interaction of elements that when combined produce a total effect that is greater than the sum of the individual elements, contributions,

Synergy allows us to create new alternatives and open new possibilities. It allows us as a group to collectively agree to ditch the old scripts and write new ones. By understanding and valuing the differences in another person’s perspective, we have the opportunity to create synergy, which allows us to uncover new possibilities through openness and creativity. Valuing the differences is the essence of synergy — the mental, the emotional, the psychological differences between people. And the key to valuing those differences is to realize that all people see the world, not as it is, but as they are.

Synergy allows you to:

• Value the differences in other people as a way to expand your perspective
• Sidestep negative energy and look for the good in others
• Exercise courage in interdependent situations to be open and encourage others to be open
• Catalyze creativity and find a solution that will be better for everyone by looking for a third alternative

Application Suggestions

1. Think about a person who typically sees things differently than you do. Consider ways in which those differences might be used as stepping-stones to Third Alternative solutions. Perhaps you could seek out his or her views on a current project or problem, valuing the different views you are likely to hear.

2. Make a list of people who irritate you. Do they represent different views that could lead to synergy if you had greater intrinsic security and valued the differences?

4. The next time you have a disagreement or confrontation with someone, attempt to understand the concerns underlying that person’s position. Address those concerns in a creative and mutually beneficial way.

Habit 7 Sharpen The Saw

Habit 7 is my personal favorite because it is centered on personal growth. It is focused on renewal. It’s preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have — you. It’s renewing the four dimensions of your nature — physical, spiritual, mental, and social/emotional.

There are four dimensions of our nature, and each must be exercised regularly, and in balanced ways:

Physical Dimension: The goal of continuous physical improvement is to exercise our body in a way that will enhance our capacity to work, adapt, and enjoy.

To renew ourselves physically, we must:

• Eat well
• Get sufficient rest and relaxation
• Exercise on a regular basis to build endurance, flexibility, and strength

Focusing on the physical dimension helps develop Habit 1 muscles of proactivity. We act based on the value of well-being instead of reacting to the forces that keep us from fitness.

Spiritual Dimension: The goal of renewing our spiritual self is to provide leadership to our life and reinforce your commitment to your value system.

To renew yourself spiritually, you can:

• Build a personal relationship with God
• Practice daily meditation.
• Join groups of like-minded believers

A focus on our spiritual dimension helps us practice Habit 2, as we continuously revise and commit ourselves to our values, so we can begin with the end in mind.

Mental Dimension: The goal of renewing our mental health is to continue expanding our minds.

To renew yourself mentally, you can:

• Read good literature
• Keep a journal of your thoughts, experiences, and insights
• Limit television watching to only those programs that enrich your life and mind

Focusing on our mental dimension helps us practice Habit 3 by managing ourselves effectively to maximize the use of our time and resources.

Social/Emotional Dimension: The goal of renewing ourselves socially is to develop meaningful relationships.

To renew yourself emotionally, you can:

• Seek to deeply understand other people
• Make contributions to meaningful projects that improve the lives of others
• Maintain an Abundance Mentality, and seek to help others find success

Renewing our social and emotional dimensions helps us practice Habits 4, 5, and 6 by recognizing that Win-Win solutions do exist, seeking to understand others, and finding mutually beneficial third alternatives through synergy.

As we focus on renewing ourselves along these four dimensions, we must also seek to be a positive scripter for other people. We must look to inspire others to a higher path by showing them we believe in them, listening to them empathically, and by encouraging them to be proactive.

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