Argument Vs Discussion: Growth in Relationships

One of the basic needs of every human is connection. A need to feel love and belonging. Usually, we do what we do to try and “earn” or be a part of meaningful relationships. In one of my earliest blog post https://tanyafungai.com/tips-to-stay-passionate-about-life/, on tips to stay passionate about life, I mentioned cultivating good relationships as one of the tips. Let me share with you my favorite definitions of connection and belonging.

Connection: The energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued. When they can give and receive without judgment.

Belonging: the innate human desire to be a part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and seeking approval which is not hollow substitutes for belonging but often barriers to it. True belonging only happens when we present our authentic imperfect selves to the world. ( from Darring Greatly)

Here is the thing, good relationships, and growth depends on building the connection and the persons involved having that sense of belonging. Just like any other good, worth having things in life you have got to be willing to put work and reap the harvest. Sure some people instantaneously get along. But for long-lasting true connections work has to be put in. Here is an example, you might be connected by birth with your mother but that does not guarantee to have a fruitful relationship. Work has to be put in. We need to daily deposit the seeds of love and trust.

One of the most important ways to grow our relationships is learning how to communicate. Communicating the right way is key to growth in our personal lives as well as our organizations. A lot of us dread having difficult conversations and prefer having a small talk. We don’t realize that out of the difficult conversations beautiful relationships are cultivated. When two people are communicating, they should put in mind that they are a team and not against each other. It’s never about who is right, its about getting to the solution. When we have that sort of mentality ( Us against the problem not against each other) our relationships will thrive even in the most difficult times.

To achieve success in any type of relationship, we should be willing to listen and listening from the position of love and not judgment. People will always want to become better in an environment they feel safe and loved. Vulnerability is a major component of a successful relationship. Growth in our relationships is learning to move from arguing to discussion.

Here is the difference between an argument and a discussion

• An argument is an exchange of ignorance whereas a discussion is an exchange of knowledge.
• An argument tries to prove who is right whereas a discussion tries to prove what is right.
• Dictionary definitions: an argument is an exchange of diverging or opposite views, typically a heated or angry one while a discussion is an action or process of talking about something in order to reach a decision or to exchange ideas.

Just like anything worth having in life, you have to be intentional about the way you engage in difficult conversations in your relationships. Of course, the approach will be different depending on the type of relationship. One can not deal with their child the same way they do with their spouse. Bottom line is, talk about how you are going to deal with difficult conversations before you have them. This would save you from unnecessary arguments. Having a set of rules on how you discuss difficult issues is important. communication styles might be different, its also important to understand each others’ communication styles. One might not be able to express themselves verbally but are well capable of doing so in writing.

Try to utilize some of these techniques or perhaps just have a conversation about it in the relationships you want to cultivate. Enjoy your relationships and do life big!

tanyafungai